The picture was not included, it's just my addition.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Kiefer Sutherland Wanted To Fight Me
What you are about to read is true.
So last night (Thursday) I met my friend Charlie and his friend Larry at Wet Bar; a bar located in the W Hotel on 39th and Lex in NYC.
After a couple of drinks I decide to "hit the head". So, I am there standing at the urinal doing what you do minding my own business, again doing what you do in the Men's room. A guy comes up to the stall right next to me drunk as hell and says, "Hey, how's it going?"
"Good" I replied. My eyes were, and as always in that situation, jetted forward. Never make eye contact. That is a rule taught by all men, not by their fathers, but by ourselves. We just know we are never supposed to do that. For you ladies out there, this is an important rule. So then the man replies, "Man I drank so much tonight. I cut down when I was working, but now I want to party, you know?"
Not looking at this guy I sized him up in a second. A man who works on Wall Street, 80hr a week money making machine blowing off some steam, looking to take home a secretary or college student, but not before trying to buy some coke. These people always make me laugh and some of them, god bless them are pretty nice guys. So I replied to his heavy drinking, "Well remember this, you never buy a good beer, you rent it."
Usually I get a chuckle every time I tell this, but not then. Silence. An uncomfortable silence you should never have in the men's room when someone else is peeing next to you. Just as I zipped up...Laughter. "Hey man, that was funny. I will try to remember that, but I am really drunk right now."
While I was walking to the sink to wash up I said,"No Pro...."
I had to face him for a second on the way to the sink and I thought, he looks farmiliar. Not until I am in mid wash, it hits me. noooo can't be. Then by another drunken man bursting into the men's room my suspicion was confirmed. He yelled, "HEY KIEFER, LOVE 24 MAN! CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE 2 HOUR SEASON FINALE NEXT WEEK!" I was peeing next to Kiefer Sutherland.
Kiefer had his back to him and the yelling drunken guy was still talking to him. What happened next... All I can say is that Kiefer is a cool guy...
I'll explain. In my travels as a man I have discovered that if you have to, or want to talk to someone at a urinal, there are 4 styles you can choose from...
1 Look down method. This involves you looking down and more than likely focusing on the urinal cake. This is handy if you are really drunk as it gives you something to focus on and depending on the mood you are in you can "AIM" for the urinal cake and watch the water change color. It is an entertaining game...
2 Looking straight ahead. This is the safest method. This allows you to be as neutral as possible and not rude to the person you are speaking to. The Wasps love it...
3 Look up method. This is the complete opposite of the look down method. This conveys that you are interested in what the other man has to say and by using this technique you will get better acoustics. If you thought repeating yourself in public was bad, in the men's room it's worse. This maneuver should never be performed when you have done a lot of drinking. You will get dizzy and more than likely you will fall down and go boom...
4 Look over the shoulder. This allows you to really show you that you are interested in what he has to say. Please keep in mind this should only be performed if you are talking to your Dad, Brother, best friend, or someone who saved your life. Never to strangers!
Kiefer performed .. 5, or as I call it "The Kiefer"
A move I never saw or imagined
Check this out. It is a hybrid of ..4.
You stand at a 45 degree angle at the urinal, hook your hand so the stream hits the target and look directly at the person to whom you are speaking and in this case...A TOTAL STRANGER! To make this move official your manner of listening has to be of some great aw, like if the non pee-er has terminal cancer, or how you would both reminisce about killing a bear w/ your bare hands the weekend before last. What a cool guy, What a Scotsman! I have no idea what they were talking about and I did not care. Here is an action TV star having a conversation w/ a fan. What better way to show us that he is one of us but by having and open piss.The drunken guy continues to talk, pees, washes up and leaves. Kiefer finishes and goes to the sink. We both wash up and then he throws me for a loop.
"Wanna fight?" My inner child left the room and I was alone. A second later he smiled and relief was a welcomed friend. Kidding I looked at my watch and said, "Nah. If you caught me an hour ago maybe." He laughed and after he washed his hands he patted me on the back and said, "Alright."
While I was leaving I told him to have a good time tonight and he wished me the same. I went back to my friends and told them the story. Our sexy bartender ...yep I forgot her name, said that a whole bunch of stars from FOX were there to celebrate the Fall Line up. On the cab ride home and after calling a bunch of people at 1am...sorry guys...I did wonder what would happen if I'd of said, "Yes Kiefer Sutherland, I do want to fight you." The wondering came to a screeching halt because I knew exactly what would have happened. Say it with me now, "He would have kicked my ass!"
Even though I am taller, I couldn't believe it either, this is Jack Bauer we are talking about. And to all the people rolling their eyes now, yes I know he is an actor and all the fights are choreographed and he works in the land of make believe, but man...come on, he would have cleaned my clock. But he would have bought me a beer afterwards cause that's what we Scots do. I may be Scottish, but I dont think I would have done that for a free drink. On the other hand I would have an incredible story to tell when someone the next day asks me, So how did you get a black eye? So thats what happened.You may ask yourself, "Jeff, why did you tell me this story?"Answer: "Dude/Baby I'm telling everybody!" Rock on Jeff
P.S. To the ladies and some gentlemen out there...Hi Mead...NO, I did not see "IT!"
