This, ladies and gentlemen,
is the Outstanding Lead Actor
in the Best Drama Series!
Monday, August 28, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Set up a perimeter for the Emmys!
Tonight's the night. 24 is nominated in every possible category. But most importantly, you wanna watch who the Best Actor in a Drama Emmy will go to.
The Chronicle Herald has this riot of an article that had me laughing out loud today:
The Emmy conspiracy: 24’s Jack Bauer is on the case
By DAVID KRONKE Los Angeles Daily News
As celebrities prance and preen down the red carpet tonight, a dark, threatening presence surrounds the 58th annual Emmy Awards ceremony at the Shrine Auditorium.
This year, a number of acclaimed actors were snubbed due to a new nomination process, and there are rumours — nasty rumours — that something unpleasant might happen tonight.
No one takes the threat more seriously than Jack Bauer, the no-holds-barred hero of 24, a show that has picked up 12 nominations, the most of any regular series.
Now a frightening scenario has been leaked to us about tonight’s ceremony (we have our sources). But we feel confident all will turn out well because Jack — who would cut his mother’s eye out if he thought she was a traitor — is on the case.
The following takes place between 5 and 8 p.m.
5:00:01: Jack Bauer’s black SUV brakes sharply before the Shrine.
He snaps open his cellphone: "Chloe, set up a perimeter. No one comes in or out. And download the entire audience seating assignment onto my PDA."
"I’m on it, Jack," Chloe pouts petulantly.
Bauer, knocking out a security guard and sneaking through a side door even though he’s been granted full security clearance, peruses the instantly downloaded list of 6,300 names; immediately, his face is seized with concern.
"Chloe!" he barks into his cell phone. "Hugh Laurie is here!"
"So? He’s really good in House," Chloe counters crankily.
"Perhaps — but he wasn’t nominated this year!"
Jack’s face grows dark; behind him, an ominous figure shadows Bauer.
5:18:30: As host Conan O’Brien concludes his opening monologue, which shows remarkable restraint in featuring only three John Mark Karr jokes and two Charlie Sheen gags, Bauer creeps up behind Laurie’s assigned seat. He leaps over three rows, grabs the man in a headlock and pummels him senseless. He turns the man’s bloodied face toward him.
"This isn’t Laurie!" Bauer bleats.
"It’s a seat filler, moron," Mariska Hargitay stammers, taken aback. "I saw him go backstage."
"Backstage?" Bauer cries, grabbing his cellphone. "Chloe! Set up a perimeter around the green room!"
5:27:25: Bauer, gun drawn, lurks backstage as Alan Alda leaves the podium after accepting the Emmy for outstanding supporting actor in a drama. Bauer gratuitously cold-cocks Alda with his gun butt, does a tuck-and-roll, then lurches into the green room, where Laurie sips a cup of tea. Jack shoots him in the thigh, grabs him by his tux lapels.
"What are you doing here?" he demands.
"Dude, dial it back; take a Zoloft," Denis Leary, also lounging in the green room, drawls sardonically. "He’s a presenter."
Bauer snaps open his cellphone. "Chloe, we’ve been sent on a wild-goose chase. Get me the coordinates for best-comedy-actress snubs Lauren Graham, Marcia Cross and Mary-Louise Parker. They have the means, and they have the motive — well, at least they have the motive. They must be behind this." He sheepishly turns to Laurie: "Uh, sorry about that."
"No worries," Laurie says. "I have to limp on my show; now, I won’t have to act."
"Jack — Graham and Cross are both in Temecula," Chloe responds irritably. "Parker — well, her character sells pot. Do you really expect her to have the gumption to protest when she’s already won an Emmy and two Golden Globes?"
5:35:59: Bending the rules of physics, Jack speeds up to a Temecula address and, gun drawn, kicks down the door and begins shooting.
"What are you doing?" Graham demands, emerging from the kitchen with a bag of microwave popcorn.
"I’ll ask the questions here," Bauer barks. "What do you know about the plot to attack the Emmys?"
"No one can hurt the Emmys any more than the voting body already has," Graham retorts.
"Don’t get smart with me," Bauer says, grabbing her roughly.
"Why’d you establish such a remote base of operations?"
"These people you just killed were my only friends with an East Coast feed of the Emmys, you jerk," she replies, then brightens when glancing at the TV. "Oh, look: The Colbert Report won for best writing for a variety series!"
"Chloe, we’ve been set up!" Jack yelps into his cellphone. He looks darkly at his image in a two-way mirror; on the other side, a shadowy figure monitors his movements.
6:22:15: As lucky as Jack was with traffic on his drive to Temecula, he’s equally unlucky on the way back to the Shrine: The on-ramp from Interstate 15 to the 10 is the site of a major pileup. Nothing is moving as rescue vehicles arrive. Jack looks at his watch. His face darkens. He flips opens his phone and calls for a chopper to evacuate him.
6:40:30: Jack climbs onto a rope ladder dangled from the copter, which lifts him high above the accident.
6:46:47: Back at the Shrine, Ellen Burstyn’s acceptance speech for outstanding supporting actress in a TV movie is longer than her bravura 15-second turn in "Mrs. Harris."
6:52:00: As he swings through the air above L.A., Jack wonders if he should have charged his cellphone.
6:57:22: Just as Jack bursts back into the Shrine, an explosion erupts onstage during a musical tribute to ’80s-sitcom hairstyles. William Shatner, Meredith Baxter and host O’Brien perish in the blast.
Jack flips open his cellphone: "Chloe, contact the director; tell him the dead-celebrity montage needs to be updated." His face darkens.
7:03:16: As order is restored, Jack orders Jane Kaczmarek to take over as emcee. Her extemporaneous Mel Gibson one-liners get huge laughs; her Hurricane Katrina jokes are considered a bit dated.
7:18:18: Jack, realizing he’s overlooking a crucial clue, tries to call Chloe, but his cellphone battery is dead. "Damn!" he says, "I knew I should’ve recharged this thing at some point in the past five years!" A dark expression clouds his face; he sets off in search of a pay phone.
7:41:05: Bauer finally locates a pay phone outside the nearby car dealership shrouded by a giant Felix the Cat statue and calls Chloe.
"What Emmys have yet to be distributed?" he demands. As she recalcitrantly recites the list, Jack’s eyes widen; he abruptly stops her. "Chloe," he gravely intones, "there’s a mole inside CTU!" He drops the phone and runs, gun drawn, back to the Shrine, shooting a number of journalists inside the press tent along the way, just in case.
7:46:47: Just as Kaczmarek is about to introduce the presenter for outstanding actor in a drama series, Bauer tackles her and grabs the envelope. "You!" he shouts, training his gun on a figure lurking in the shadows, sporting a cummerbund over a hoodie sweater. "Don’t move!"
The figure skulks onto the stage; Jack tackles him, wrestling the hood from his head, revealing . . . Kiefer Sutherland.
"You don’t understand!" Sutherland bellows. "I’ve been nominated five years in a row and have nothing to show for it! I knew I wouldn’t win if Hugh Laurie was nominated!
"So I called Chloe, impersonating you, and asked her to download the Emmy mainframe into my PDA," the anguished Sutherland continues.
"All my acting on that show is shouting into cellphones, shooting people in the thigh and responding to depressing information with a dark expression!
"I manipulated votes — so what?" Sutherland adds. "So Kevin James gets a nod; so seven lead actresses from cancelled shows get nominated; so that lame Will & Grace gets 10 nominations! That’s a small price to pay to ensure my own corporeal glory!"
"You’re insane," hisses Bauer.
"Chloe knows you better than anyone, and I convinced her I was you," Sutherland responds. "That should be worth an Emmy, right?"
7:57:01: 24 is named outstanding drama series. Bauer himself addresses the audience: "I’d like to thank those who couldn’t be here tonight," he says, his visage darkening; he realizes — he’s now one of them.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
The Sentinel
Run, folks, run!
The Sentinel is coming to a store near you this Tuesday!
Think Kiefer Sutherland.
Think Kiefer Sutherland in a suit.
Think Kiefer Sutherland in a suit, running around!
What else could you ask for?
Well, actually, there's more to it. It's an interesting thriller, for starters. Our delicious man is a detective in charge of investigating a murder. He finds out that there's a mole inside Secret Service that is plotting to assasinate the President.
I can hear you thinking: Kiefer + mole + President...
Stop thinking now. David Breckinridge is no Jack Bauer. Not at all. Trust me on this one. I give you my word! If you expect The Sentinel to be a Bauer movie, you'll be disapointed. Breckinridge is a supporting role. A mighty good looking supporting role, mind you.
The extras alone make this entertaining movie worth the buy. It's fascinating to learn about the job and ethics of Secret Service agents. Not to mention extra footage of our beloved Kiefer...!
My only beef with this movie is that I keep thinking how better it would have been if Kiefer had been given Michael Douglas' part and a younger actor had played the Breckinridge part. I think Douglas is getting too old to look believable out running Kiefer and supposedly stealing his wife from him. As if!
Eric D. Snider's idea for season 6
An excerpt from his brilliant May 13th entry:I think the next season of “24" should include drunk Kiefer. Maybe the
season starts at 1 a.m., and Jack Bauer is at a nightclub, totally smashed. He’s
drunk for the first few hours of the crisis, behaving even more recklessly than
usual. He sobers up by 6 or 7 a.m., of course, but then maybe he starts drinking
again at 10 p.m., so the season can end with him sauced, too.
Drunky But Funky
I was searching the internet for a specific picture of my favorite actor when I tumbled upon this blog page. I think it dates back to 2004, but it's definitely worth a read. They are a riot! I don't know who those girls are, but I'd sure like to party with them. I know I probably couldn't keep up with them, but I'd sure have a helluva good time! Plus, they seem to meet very interesting people...
A Salud to Kiefer Sutherland
Dear Mr. Sutherland,It's possible that you remember us from our encounters at Restaurant Vermont on Saturday night: You kissed Heather's hand in the bathroom line, you gave Lauren a head-to-toe once-over, you admired the Honky Slut Warrior's cleavage, and you kisssed Jessica on the cheek and professed undying love for her coat. There were also references to "up the butt," and you watched Heather mount Jessica's Dodge Neon.
You don't remember?
Bless you, sir. Bless you.
Hollywood is town rife with drunks and funks, but it's rare for us, as a boozehound posse, to run into a celebrity who so brilliantly in that moment espouses all things drunky and funky, with a considerable side of hunky. As such, we want to congratulate and applaud you for the stunning level of drunkenness you achieved and displayed Saturday night, up to and including not remembering any of us at all.
You, Mr. Sutherland, are one of us. Welcome to Drunky But Funky.
We first spied you sitting in front of the restaurant, at a table peopled by a girl with hair like a poodle and a matching beige outfit, a Ho Girl with eye makeup that had run down her face, and a nondescript guy to whom Ho Girl later referred as, "Up-The-Butt Guy." (At which point, by the way, you stopped to talk to him with a hug and some interest. While the HSW and I wondered if having a personal Up-The-Butt guy meant you were secretly gay -- a GREAT loss for womankind -- Lauren overheard you two speculating on whether any of us liked it up the butt. You dog, you, Kiefer. Woof.)
The Drunky But Funky posse was there and totally togged up for the first "Skin To Win" night of 2004. Hair was smooth. Shoes were high-heeled. Breasts were pushed up, taped in, and hanging out; Jessica's shirt may be re-christened "The Silver Platter," for that's how it offers up a girl's cleavage. We hung out at the bar, sucked back mojitos, and shamelessly ogled you every time you loped past us to the bathrooms and back.Where some might call you "small," "wee," "SUPER fucking WEE," or even, "What-business-did-you-have-being-engaged-to-gargantuan-Julia-Roberts wee," the Drunky But Funky crew praises you as "efficiently constructed." The shorter path of your bloodstream probably just carries the alcohol more quickly to your brain. It's a time-saver. You have no need for ostentatious height. You own your muscles and your hotness and your velvety voice, and that ass that's begging for a nibble, and you do it without feeling the need to tower over the rest of humanity -- or even over the 5'5" Heather. You, sir, are packaged without waste. (Down to and including your bladder, judging by the amount of time you spent either outside or in the men's room.)
We admire your slurry speech, heavy-lidded eyes, and slow, booze-sodden smile. We applaud your gentle drunken slouch, the uneven and slightly puzzled gait of one who's crawled down a whiskey bottle and nested there. And although we don't understand why your tongue ended up in the mouth of a walking kohl accident, Ho Girl, we clap for your achievement of an ill-advised boozy hookup, for nothing says "Drunky But Funky" like a little misplaced tongue.
Side note: What's with Poodle Girl? Could you maybe consider suggesting to her that she done down her hair's overall level of nappy? We imagine someone trying to run their fingers through it, and getting snared in that finger-trap of a coif, and the results are bloody. It's a safety issue, truly. Please talk to her.
In sum, Mr. Sutherland, we'd like to say what a pleasure it was to raise our glasses near you, knowing you'd raised more than a few too. We're most distressed you didn't win a Golden Globe the following night, but we hope you enjoyed ogling ours. Long may you live the mantra, "Drink Up, Throw Down, Pants Off, Pass Out," and may one of us someday be there to see more than just the first part.
With love and admiration,
Drunky But Funky
Thursday, August 24, 2006
More evidence on the Speedo case...
Just so you know that Kiefer isn't always strutting his tight little stuff around in a Speedo, here's a picture that was taken around Fathers' day, in 2006.
He does own a real bitchin' bathing suit.
Why would he walk around in a banana hammock, then?
First of all, because he can.
And second of all, because I demand Bauer skin in season 6!
He does own a real bitchin' bathing suit.
Why would he walk around in a banana hammock, then?
First of all, because he can.
And second of all, because I demand Bauer skin in season 6!
Speedo-ing
Our man Kiefer has been caught by paparazzi in a Speedo.
Who am I to complain about catching that scrumptuous specimen in any attire?
My only problem with a Speedo is that it still hides too much skin.
After watching Jack Bauer run around in the same clothes all day in 24 season 5, I demand skin.
I cheered in the last episode when I saw that the Chinese bad guys had ripped his clothes off!
Could this be why Kiefer is sporting that kind of bathing suit?
Is he trying to get a tan because he has half naked shots coming up in season 6?
Please, oh please let it be!
Who am I to complain about catching that scrumptuous specimen in any attire?
My only problem with a Speedo is that it still hides too much skin.
After watching Jack Bauer run around in the same clothes all day in 24 season 5, I demand skin.
I cheered in the last episode when I saw that the Chinese bad guys had ripped his clothes off!
Could this be why Kiefer is sporting that kind of bathing suit?
Is he trying to get a tan because he has half naked shots coming up in season 6?
Please, oh please let it be!
Thursday, August 03, 2006
One good thing about the upcoming end of August
As we say goodbye to July, the flyers sadisticaly remind me that it's back to school season.
So long, afternoon naps, days of walking around in my pajamas and staying up all night!
At least there will be one thing cheering me up as I pack my bags and courage and go back to school to face teenagers that feel the same way I do, only they are not shy about saying it out loud, repeatedly: a new Kiefer DVD!
The Sentinel DVD is hitting stores August 29th!
Welcome home, David Breckinridge!
Here's how the press release goes:
"IN THE 141 YEAR HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A TRAITOR…UNTIL NOW"
THE SENTINEL
Loaded With Special Features Including An Alternate Ending, The Intense Non-Stop Action Thriller Explodes Onto DVD August 29 From Fox Home Entertainment CENTURY CITY, Calif. – Proving that nothing is as it seems in the high stakes game of political intrigue, a legendary but disgraced Secret Service agent is under the gun to uncover a terrorist plot to infiltrate the White House in THE SENTINEL, an explosive action-thriller arriving on DVD August 29 from Fox Home Entertainment. Hailed as “engrossing…thoroughly entertaining” (WCBS-TV) and boasting an all-star cast that includes Oscar® winner Michael Douglas (Best Actor, Wall Street, 1988), Kiefer Sutherland (“24”), Eva Longoria (“Desperate Housewives”) and Oscar®-winner Kim Basinger (Best Supporting Actress, L.A. Confidential, 1998), THE SENTINEL puts the life of the President on the line in an intense game of cat-and-mouse… where the only thing standing between the terrorist threat and national security is a disavowed agent wanted for attempted murder and treason. THE SENTINEL DVD features even more thrills and action, taking audiences deeper than ever before into the inner workings and dangers of political protection with an alternate ending, deleted scenes, director and writer audio commentary, featurettes and more. THE SENTINEL DVD will be available for the suggested retail price of $29.98 U.S./$43.48 Canada.
Synopsis:Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland, Eva Longoria and Kim Basinger head up “the perfect cast” (CBS-TV, Sacramento) in this gripping suspense thriller that delivers “nonstop action around every turn!” (NBC-TV, Houston). There’s never been a traitor in the United States Secret Service...until now. And the evidence points to Pete Garrison (Douglas), one of the most trusted agents on the force. Now on the run, with two relentless federal investigators (Sutherland and Longoria) hot on his heels, Garrison must fight to clear his name and thwart an attempt on the President’s life before it’s too late!
So long, afternoon naps, days of walking around in my pajamas and staying up all night!
At least there will be one thing cheering me up as I pack my bags and courage and go back to school to face teenagers that feel the same way I do, only they are not shy about saying it out loud, repeatedly: a new Kiefer DVD!
The Sentinel DVD is hitting stores August 29th!
Welcome home, David Breckinridge!
Here's how the press release goes:
"IN THE 141 YEAR HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A TRAITOR…UNTIL NOW"
THE SENTINEL
Loaded With Special Features Including An Alternate Ending, The Intense Non-Stop Action Thriller Explodes Onto DVD August 29 From Fox Home Entertainment CENTURY CITY, Calif. – Proving that nothing is as it seems in the high stakes game of political intrigue, a legendary but disgraced Secret Service agent is under the gun to uncover a terrorist plot to infiltrate the White House in THE SENTINEL, an explosive action-thriller arriving on DVD August 29 from Fox Home Entertainment. Hailed as “engrossing…thoroughly entertaining” (WCBS-TV) and boasting an all-star cast that includes Oscar® winner Michael Douglas (Best Actor, Wall Street, 1988), Kiefer Sutherland (“24”), Eva Longoria (“Desperate Housewives”) and Oscar®-winner Kim Basinger (Best Supporting Actress, L.A. Confidential, 1998), THE SENTINEL puts the life of the President on the line in an intense game of cat-and-mouse… where the only thing standing between the terrorist threat and national security is a disavowed agent wanted for attempted murder and treason. THE SENTINEL DVD features even more thrills and action, taking audiences deeper than ever before into the inner workings and dangers of political protection with an alternate ending, deleted scenes, director and writer audio commentary, featurettes and more. THE SENTINEL DVD will be available for the suggested retail price of $29.98 U.S./$43.48 Canada.
Synopsis:Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland, Eva Longoria and Kim Basinger head up “the perfect cast” (CBS-TV, Sacramento) in this gripping suspense thriller that delivers “nonstop action around every turn!” (NBC-TV, Houston). There’s never been a traitor in the United States Secret Service...until now. And the evidence points to Pete Garrison (Douglas), one of the most trusted agents on the force. Now on the run, with two relentless federal investigators (Sutherland and Longoria) hot on his heels, Garrison must fight to clear his name and thwart an attempt on the President’s life before it’s too late!
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Puppy Chow
Celebrities the draw at Mr. Chow in L.A.
By John Henderson
Article Launched: 08/02/2006 01:00:00 AM MDT
Los Angeles - I sat in the bar, alone, with my head swiveling around as if on autopilot during a tennis match. Sitting alone at a bar is modus operandi for me. Want to pick out the guys who travel too much for a living? We're the ones at the end of the bar watching ESPN.
But here at Mr. Chow there are no TVs. Still, I was here with some other people also in desperate need of a life. Like me, they weren't hard to find.
FLASH!!! A blinding light went off behind me. I turned around. Kiefer Sutherland just walked in.
FLASH!!! I swiveled around. This time I really felt I was at a tennis match. Venus and Serena Williams just walked out.
"It can get really crazy," said Ricardo Amorim, Mr. Chow's maitre d', who said NBA star Kevin Garnett was in an upstairs private room priced at $75 a person. "I've seen like 25-30 people (out front). From (Robert) De Niro coming in. J.Lo coming in."
You've heard of restaurants to see and be seen? Mr. Chow is on the A list for A-list celebrities. It's in the heart of Beverly Hills on Camden Drive, one block off Rodeo Drive where you can buy a pair of men's socks for the same amount as the daily rate of your rental car.
At Mr. Chow, the set menu costs nearly as much as the car itself.
But food is only part of the reason people flock to Mr. Chow. It's part of L.A.'s celebrity triangle. Eat lunch at Ivy over on Robertson Boulevard, have dinner at Mr. Chow then drinks at Koi in West Hollywood.
Mr. Chow doesn't even pretend to hide it. Every dinner guest receives a slick, eight-paneled plastic folder. Pull it open and fanning in front of you are 1,294 celebrities who've entered the doors. It lists everyone in Hollywood. Everyone. Really. Name someone. Anyone. He or she is on there.
The regular patrons don't even look up anymore when a flash goes off outside. Sutherland stood behind me at the bar dressed as if going to Starbucks in a gray long-sleeve T-shirt, blue jeans and pointed boots. He was very nice, joking with strangers and chatting with some fellow Canadians he'd have dinner with later.
I wanted to ask why he frequents a restaurant where he must fight through photographers, but I saw him beat the crap out of a terrorist on "24" and decided to ask Amorim instead.
"They come for the food, the atmosphere," he said. "It's existed over 30 years, this restaurant. We got one in New York. Another just opened in Tribeca. So people who live in New York they come here and feel at home."
The first Mr. Chow opened in London in 1968 and became a regular haunt for the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Like vultures to carrion, then came the photographers.
This is a feeding ground for paparazzi. I called one, a guy named Steve Kondiles who did so well he's now retired in Scottsdale. A regular outside Mr. Chow, he said the expected rate for the first pictures of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby would go for about $500,000.
"The average picture of Paris Hilton is $200, maybe," said Kondiles, who grew up in Hollywood. "But if Paris Hilton falls down and gets up with a bloody nose, that $200 turns into a $20,000 shot, maybe more."
At Mr. Chow, the paparazzi work almost as a pack. I'd say a pack of wolves but I happen to like wildlife. Tom Cruise walks in, a photographer gets on his cellphone and suddenly the sidewalk outside has a dozen cameras and camcorders. There's an easy tolerance between the paparazzi and Mr. Chow management.
Legally, management can do nothing about photographers on a public sidewalk. Just don't block the doorway.
"I can't say there has ever been an ugly incident," Kondiles said. "Celebrities know if they go to Mr. Chow they'll get their picture taken. Usually nothing happens. Some celebrities choose to sneak out the back."
That's where I was, being the Z-list celebrity that I am. I had eaten at Mr. Chow, which specializes in Beijing cooking, before the last Rose Bowl and found the food horribly overrated. Maybe it was the dish. I returned last Wednesday before the Pacific-10 Conference football media day and again wondered how I'd sneak this onto my expense account without getting assigned Mullen High tennis.
The thing about Mr. Chow is if you have to ask how much the food is you probably can't afford it. Also, you'll have to ask. There are no menus. My waiter merely told me what was on the fixed menu - for $54.
I had shrimp cakes, about a half-dozen little dumplings that were very good and not greasy as dumplings usually are. He also recommended the venison and spinach. I told him that I didn't recall hearing about deer running around Tiananmen Square. His smile disappeared and he brought back a tiny silver bowl with some very tasty, meaty venison pieces in a subtle bed of spinach with a bowl of white rice and a mushroom medley.
A regular next to me recommended the seaweed and candied walnuts, an interesting combination that mixed the walnuts with grainy, cooked sea greens.
With three glasses of $9 pinot noir, my bill was $87.69. I walked out, again hungry, to find Sutherland signing autographs, posing for pictures and generally showing the patience of a nursery school teacher. David Childress, 42, stood nearby selling fuzzy lighted balls, hoping celebs would bring their kids.
I asked him who's the most uncooperative celebrity. He said Bruce Willis.
"He hasn't always been like that and the reason why I say is when he was married to Demi Moore he was humbler," he said. "He was nicer, he'd give you the time of day."
I looked at the time of day. It was late. I left, longing for ESPN.
By John Henderson
Article Launched: 08/02/2006 01:00:00 AM MDT
Los Angeles - I sat in the bar, alone, with my head swiveling around as if on autopilot during a tennis match. Sitting alone at a bar is modus operandi for me. Want to pick out the guys who travel too much for a living? We're the ones at the end of the bar watching ESPN.
But here at Mr. Chow there are no TVs. Still, I was here with some other people also in desperate need of a life. Like me, they weren't hard to find.
FLASH!!! A blinding light went off behind me. I turned around. Kiefer Sutherland just walked in.
FLASH!!! I swiveled around. This time I really felt I was at a tennis match. Venus and Serena Williams just walked out.
"It can get really crazy," said Ricardo Amorim, Mr. Chow's maitre d', who said NBA star Kevin Garnett was in an upstairs private room priced at $75 a person. "I've seen like 25-30 people (out front). From (Robert) De Niro coming in. J.Lo coming in."
You've heard of restaurants to see and be seen? Mr. Chow is on the A list for A-list celebrities. It's in the heart of Beverly Hills on Camden Drive, one block off Rodeo Drive where you can buy a pair of men's socks for the same amount as the daily rate of your rental car.
At Mr. Chow, the set menu costs nearly as much as the car itself.
But food is only part of the reason people flock to Mr. Chow. It's part of L.A.'s celebrity triangle. Eat lunch at Ivy over on Robertson Boulevard, have dinner at Mr. Chow then drinks at Koi in West Hollywood.
Mr. Chow doesn't even pretend to hide it. Every dinner guest receives a slick, eight-paneled plastic folder. Pull it open and fanning in front of you are 1,294 celebrities who've entered the doors. It lists everyone in Hollywood. Everyone. Really. Name someone. Anyone. He or she is on there.
The regular patrons don't even look up anymore when a flash goes off outside. Sutherland stood behind me at the bar dressed as if going to Starbucks in a gray long-sleeve T-shirt, blue jeans and pointed boots. He was very nice, joking with strangers and chatting with some fellow Canadians he'd have dinner with later.
I wanted to ask why he frequents a restaurant where he must fight through photographers, but I saw him beat the crap out of a terrorist on "24" and decided to ask Amorim instead.
"They come for the food, the atmosphere," he said. "It's existed over 30 years, this restaurant. We got one in New York. Another just opened in Tribeca. So people who live in New York they come here and feel at home."
The first Mr. Chow opened in London in 1968 and became a regular haunt for the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Like vultures to carrion, then came the photographers.
This is a feeding ground for paparazzi. I called one, a guy named Steve Kondiles who did so well he's now retired in Scottsdale. A regular outside Mr. Chow, he said the expected rate for the first pictures of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby would go for about $500,000.
"The average picture of Paris Hilton is $200, maybe," said Kondiles, who grew up in Hollywood. "But if Paris Hilton falls down and gets up with a bloody nose, that $200 turns into a $20,000 shot, maybe more."
At Mr. Chow, the paparazzi work almost as a pack. I'd say a pack of wolves but I happen to like wildlife. Tom Cruise walks in, a photographer gets on his cellphone and suddenly the sidewalk outside has a dozen cameras and camcorders. There's an easy tolerance between the paparazzi and Mr. Chow management.
Legally, management can do nothing about photographers on a public sidewalk. Just don't block the doorway.
"I can't say there has ever been an ugly incident," Kondiles said. "Celebrities know if they go to Mr. Chow they'll get their picture taken. Usually nothing happens. Some celebrities choose to sneak out the back."
That's where I was, being the Z-list celebrity that I am. I had eaten at Mr. Chow, which specializes in Beijing cooking, before the last Rose Bowl and found the food horribly overrated. Maybe it was the dish. I returned last Wednesday before the Pacific-10 Conference football media day and again wondered how I'd sneak this onto my expense account without getting assigned Mullen High tennis.
The thing about Mr. Chow is if you have to ask how much the food is you probably can't afford it. Also, you'll have to ask. There are no menus. My waiter merely told me what was on the fixed menu - for $54.
I had shrimp cakes, about a half-dozen little dumplings that were very good and not greasy as dumplings usually are. He also recommended the venison and spinach. I told him that I didn't recall hearing about deer running around Tiananmen Square. His smile disappeared and he brought back a tiny silver bowl with some very tasty, meaty venison pieces in a subtle bed of spinach with a bowl of white rice and a mushroom medley.
A regular next to me recommended the seaweed and candied walnuts, an interesting combination that mixed the walnuts with grainy, cooked sea greens.
With three glasses of $9 pinot noir, my bill was $87.69. I walked out, again hungry, to find Sutherland signing autographs, posing for pictures and generally showing the patience of a nursery school teacher. David Childress, 42, stood nearby selling fuzzy lighted balls, hoping celebs would bring their kids.
I asked him who's the most uncooperative celebrity. He said Bruce Willis.
"He hasn't always been like that and the reason why I say is when he was married to Demi Moore he was humbler," he said. "He was nicer, he'd give you the time of day."
I looked at the time of day. It was late. I left, longing for ESPN.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Drinks are on her!
Jack Bauer: 24's 007
by Maggie Van Ostrand
Friends have been trying to get me to watch "24" since it appeared on national television five seasons ago. I resisted. Pressure rose. Still I resisted. Three weeks ago, I could hold out no longer and, assigning my friends financial responsibility if I didn't like it, I bought Series 1-4 on DVD and sat down in front of my TV to prove a point
.The point I proved was not mine, it was theirs.
With a show that turned out to be as unbelievably exciting as "24," daily showers had to wait. The only time I used the remote's pause button was to fix something to eat, feed the dogs, and use the bathroom. You've heard of drug addiction? This is Bauer addiction. Betty Ford should open up a new wing just for obsessed "24" fans.
If the writers of "24" use means other than natural to come up with so many unanticipated plot twists ("spoilers") that it makes Mulholland Drive look like a straightaway, then, baby, the next round's on me.
This series, despite the occasional loss of a plot thread or a character, keeps you on the edge of your seat even tighter than the original best-car-chase-ever-filmed, "Bullitt," when it came out in 1968 -- and "Bullitt" had Steve McQueen. Never mind. By "24's" Season 2, Kiefer Sutherland, who rarely speaks above a whisper, became a mixture of Steve McQueen, Sean Connery, and John Wayne, with Johnny Depp for a chaser.
"24" is never still. Even when characters remain seated in front of their computers getting impossible-to-get information for lead character, Counter Terrorist Unit's Special Agent Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland), their blurred fingers are flying over the keyboard, brows in a virtual vibrato, especially those of the unsmiling computer genius, "Chloe O'Brien" (Mary Lynn Rajskub).
Everybody's favorite, "Edgar Stiles" (Louis Lombardi), had no trouble with vibrating brows. Instead, his lips puckered and his expression went from sad puppy to maligned pussycat. I wanted to hold Edgar and tell him everything would be all right. But that would've been a lie. Everything never stays all right on "24." That's part of the attraction.
Chloe and Edgar never fail to do the right thing for Jack, even though Jack's not Director of the Counter-Terrorist Unit (CTU), or even though the thing that Jack needs done might be against protocol.
There are no back stories to divert one's intense attention from the spoilers. Yet we know what's going on in in the lives of all the complex personalities from conversations in CTU's Los Angeles office.
Further credibility is given CTU and White House characters by "news reports" on the television-news-within-the-show, featuring real life Fox anchors and legitimate-looking banners across the bottom of the "Fox news shows." Before you start complaining that it's not CNN, remember, "24" is taped at the Fox studios in L.A.
When your favorite characters are killed off, which happens all too often, ongoing action is so fast that you don't have time to mourn. You may, however, post your obsession for the deceased on Fox's "24" website (http://www.fox.com/24/)
I hope the greatest Secret Service Agent who never lived, "Aaron Pierce" (Glenn Morshower), makes the cut next season. He's the kind of patriot the rest of us aspire to be, underneath all our public griping.
One of the best characters ever seen on television was "President David Palmer" (Dennis Haysbert) who made thoughtful presidential decisions that would make this country proud. If "President Palmer" were really president, the media would have only praise for his leadership. His wife, "First Lady Sherry Palmer" (Penny Johnson) is the most devious female character ever written for television, and so fascinating you can't take your eyes off her. No, I didn't forget Lady MacBeth, but she wasn't written for TV.
Then there's the ever-reliable, super-studly "Tony Almeida" (Carlos Bernard), a CTU agent you would want in the field to cover your back. Your front, too. Never mind his wife, "Michelle Dessler" (Reiko Aylesworth, real life current girlfriend of star Kiefer Sutherland). Aylesworth said in an interview about "24," "There's just this sexual charge to everything because of the urgency. We have to stop the bomb, now! This might be our last day on earth! We're all going to die, let's get our rocks off! That kind of thing. And then you've got Kiefer and his velvety voice. He's got chemistry with -- the lamp-post -- anything." I felt nothing when she was knocked off because now "Tony" is free to date. What'm I, stupid?
The man you love to hate, and like, and hate again, is "President Charles Logan," who carries a large amount of psychic baggage, is brilliantly performed by the real-life Richard Nixon look alike, Gregory Itzen. When he asks his Secretary of State, "Mike Novik" (Jude Ciccolella) to "pray with me," it's eerily reminiscent of real life's Nixon-Kissinger. "President Logan's" sometimes emotionally fragile First Lady, "Martha Logan," is played with a difficult balance of insecurity and strength, by Jean Smart, who finally has a chance to show how good she can be.
Sutherland's "Jack Bauer" is as good as it gets. He portrays Bauer as a flawed hero, a patriot who's willing to give his life for his country, and a mastermind of complicated solutions to unimaginable situations. Jack Bauer thinks faster than a speeding bullet, is smarter than Ian Fleming's 007, and has electronic "toys" to make Bill Gates green with envy. Jack Bauer can drive, fly commercial jets and private 'copters, and never misses his target. He's brutal when it comes to getting information from a "hostile," is compassionate, tender and sexy with women, and never sleeps.
"24" offers something for everyone. New characters on the show can range from teen to old, there can be at least as many females as males, and characters, both lead and background, come in all colors.
I'm not saying I've become an addict or anything like that, but I had to shop Shanghai to get a DVD of Season 5 because Season 5 won't be released in the U.S. until December 2006. Unlike many television shows, "24's" Season 5 may be the best yet.
Scott Rowell, one of "24's" three full-time editors, says it takes 25 hours of filmed material to create one 43-minute show (air time, allowing for commercials). They shoot eight angles of a scene using two cameras. Same dialogue and the same action, done eight times.Rowell's (and the two other editors) job requires many hours in front of his computer, enhancing the visuals which later receive further visual FX by CBS animation, combining real elements with special FX.
For example, in Season 5, the scene with Jack Bauer bringing a jet in for an emergency landing on an L.A. freeway, the shots of the ground coming up at an alarming level of speed were shot by low cameras on a truck, the reverse thrusters and smoke off the landing gear were visual FX. These are called "money shots" for obvious reasons.For playing Jack Bauer, Kiefer Sutherland received a sweet deal from Fox on signing for the 2008-2009 season: In addition to a raise in pay (you've heard of a six-figure income? How about eight), he'll be promoted from Co-Executive Producer to Executive Producer (ka-ching), his new production company will be funded by Fox (ka-ching), Sutherland will develop new series for Fox and other networks, the internet, and wireless devices (ka-ching), and further funding for "a development fund" to help him realize his vision, reported the show biz trade paper, Daily Variety.
Execs at 20th said Sutherland has the chops needed to develop and execute series projects. Fox President Dana Walden added Sutherland "is fiercely intelligent and has fantastic taste in material.
"Fans don't care that much if Jack Bauer's dialogue is repeated in each episode of each season, notably the following phrases:
What's going on?
Do it! Do it NOW!
I don't understand.
I need that list.
You have my word.
Keep me posted.
I don't have a good answer for that.
You'll be safe with me.
I did it for your protection.
I promise.
Drop the gun!
Don't make me use force.
You're coming with me.
Set up a grid search.
I need your help.
Get back to me.
What are you talking about?
Tell me what I need to hear.
I'll see what I can do.
You're lying.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know if I can do that.
This doesn't make sense.
I need you to patch me through on a discreet channel.
I'll get back to you.
That's not protocol.
There's some new intel.
What's happening?
I understand.
Copy that.
Trust me.
These often-used phrases are only obvious if you watch Series 1-5 consecutively over a period of a week or two. You'll also find your kidneys are stronger than you ever thought possible.
My favorite of his dialogue, said as he questioned a hostile, is "The only reason you're conscious is that I don't want to carry you."
After Season 2, I didn't care what Jack Bauer said, how many times he said it, or if he spoke at all. I was so into the compelling characters, impossible real time situations shown on split screen, and the spoilers, that I didn't recognize my own living room when I took the time to look away from the television. Talk about escaping!
A full-length feature is being planned for "24," though it won't be possible to play the real time angle; it will have to be condensed into two hours. No date has been set so we'll have to wait for the movie.
As long as the writers keep coming up with those spoilers, the waiting time for the movie will be brilliantly filled.
If "24" earns the 12 Emmys it's nominated for, the writers' drinks are on me. Yours, too, Jack.
by Maggie Van Ostrand
Friends have been trying to get me to watch "24" since it appeared on national television five seasons ago. I resisted. Pressure rose. Still I resisted. Three weeks ago, I could hold out no longer and, assigning my friends financial responsibility if I didn't like it, I bought Series 1-4 on DVD and sat down in front of my TV to prove a point
.The point I proved was not mine, it was theirs.
With a show that turned out to be as unbelievably exciting as "24," daily showers had to wait. The only time I used the remote's pause button was to fix something to eat, feed the dogs, and use the bathroom. You've heard of drug addiction? This is Bauer addiction. Betty Ford should open up a new wing just for obsessed "24" fans.
If the writers of "24" use means other than natural to come up with so many unanticipated plot twists ("spoilers") that it makes Mulholland Drive look like a straightaway, then, baby, the next round's on me.
This series, despite the occasional loss of a plot thread or a character, keeps you on the edge of your seat even tighter than the original best-car-chase-ever-filmed, "Bullitt," when it came out in 1968 -- and "Bullitt" had Steve McQueen. Never mind. By "24's" Season 2, Kiefer Sutherland, who rarely speaks above a whisper, became a mixture of Steve McQueen, Sean Connery, and John Wayne, with Johnny Depp for a chaser.
"24" is never still. Even when characters remain seated in front of their computers getting impossible-to-get information for lead character, Counter Terrorist Unit's Special Agent Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland), their blurred fingers are flying over the keyboard, brows in a virtual vibrato, especially those of the unsmiling computer genius, "Chloe O'Brien" (Mary Lynn Rajskub).
Everybody's favorite, "Edgar Stiles" (Louis Lombardi), had no trouble with vibrating brows. Instead, his lips puckered and his expression went from sad puppy to maligned pussycat. I wanted to hold Edgar and tell him everything would be all right. But that would've been a lie. Everything never stays all right on "24." That's part of the attraction.
Chloe and Edgar never fail to do the right thing for Jack, even though Jack's not Director of the Counter-Terrorist Unit (CTU), or even though the thing that Jack needs done might be against protocol.
There are no back stories to divert one's intense attention from the spoilers. Yet we know what's going on in in the lives of all the complex personalities from conversations in CTU's Los Angeles office.
Further credibility is given CTU and White House characters by "news reports" on the television-news-within-the-show, featuring real life Fox anchors and legitimate-looking banners across the bottom of the "Fox news shows." Before you start complaining that it's not CNN, remember, "24" is taped at the Fox studios in L.A.
When your favorite characters are killed off, which happens all too often, ongoing action is so fast that you don't have time to mourn. You may, however, post your obsession for the deceased on Fox's "24" website (http://www.fox.com/24/)
I hope the greatest Secret Service Agent who never lived, "Aaron Pierce" (Glenn Morshower), makes the cut next season. He's the kind of patriot the rest of us aspire to be, underneath all our public griping.
One of the best characters ever seen on television was "President David Palmer" (Dennis Haysbert) who made thoughtful presidential decisions that would make this country proud. If "President Palmer" were really president, the media would have only praise for his leadership. His wife, "First Lady Sherry Palmer" (Penny Johnson) is the most devious female character ever written for television, and so fascinating you can't take your eyes off her. No, I didn't forget Lady MacBeth, but she wasn't written for TV.
Then there's the ever-reliable, super-studly "Tony Almeida" (Carlos Bernard), a CTU agent you would want in the field to cover your back. Your front, too. Never mind his wife, "Michelle Dessler" (Reiko Aylesworth, real life current girlfriend of star Kiefer Sutherland). Aylesworth said in an interview about "24," "There's just this sexual charge to everything because of the urgency. We have to stop the bomb, now! This might be our last day on earth! We're all going to die, let's get our rocks off! That kind of thing. And then you've got Kiefer and his velvety voice. He's got chemistry with -- the lamp-post -- anything." I felt nothing when she was knocked off because now "Tony" is free to date. What'm I, stupid?
The man you love to hate, and like, and hate again, is "President Charles Logan," who carries a large amount of psychic baggage, is brilliantly performed by the real-life Richard Nixon look alike, Gregory Itzen. When he asks his Secretary of State, "Mike Novik" (Jude Ciccolella) to "pray with me," it's eerily reminiscent of real life's Nixon-Kissinger. "President Logan's" sometimes emotionally fragile First Lady, "Martha Logan," is played with a difficult balance of insecurity and strength, by Jean Smart, who finally has a chance to show how good she can be.
Sutherland's "Jack Bauer" is as good as it gets. He portrays Bauer as a flawed hero, a patriot who's willing to give his life for his country, and a mastermind of complicated solutions to unimaginable situations. Jack Bauer thinks faster than a speeding bullet, is smarter than Ian Fleming's 007, and has electronic "toys" to make Bill Gates green with envy. Jack Bauer can drive, fly commercial jets and private 'copters, and never misses his target. He's brutal when it comes to getting information from a "hostile," is compassionate, tender and sexy with women, and never sleeps.
"24" offers something for everyone. New characters on the show can range from teen to old, there can be at least as many females as males, and characters, both lead and background, come in all colors.
I'm not saying I've become an addict or anything like that, but I had to shop Shanghai to get a DVD of Season 5 because Season 5 won't be released in the U.S. until December 2006. Unlike many television shows, "24's" Season 5 may be the best yet.
Scott Rowell, one of "24's" three full-time editors, says it takes 25 hours of filmed material to create one 43-minute show (air time, allowing for commercials). They shoot eight angles of a scene using two cameras. Same dialogue and the same action, done eight times.Rowell's (and the two other editors) job requires many hours in front of his computer, enhancing the visuals which later receive further visual FX by CBS animation, combining real elements with special FX.
For example, in Season 5, the scene with Jack Bauer bringing a jet in for an emergency landing on an L.A. freeway, the shots of the ground coming up at an alarming level of speed were shot by low cameras on a truck, the reverse thrusters and smoke off the landing gear were visual FX. These are called "money shots" for obvious reasons.For playing Jack Bauer, Kiefer Sutherland received a sweet deal from Fox on signing for the 2008-2009 season: In addition to a raise in pay (you've heard of a six-figure income? How about eight), he'll be promoted from Co-Executive Producer to Executive Producer (ka-ching), his new production company will be funded by Fox (ka-ching), Sutherland will develop new series for Fox and other networks, the internet, and wireless devices (ka-ching), and further funding for "a development fund" to help him realize his vision, reported the show biz trade paper, Daily Variety.
Execs at 20th said Sutherland has the chops needed to develop and execute series projects. Fox President Dana Walden added Sutherland "is fiercely intelligent and has fantastic taste in material.
"Fans don't care that much if Jack Bauer's dialogue is repeated in each episode of each season, notably the following phrases:
What's going on?
Do it! Do it NOW!
I don't understand.
I need that list.
You have my word.
Keep me posted.
I don't have a good answer for that.
You'll be safe with me.
I did it for your protection.
I promise.
Drop the gun!
Don't make me use force.
You're coming with me.
Set up a grid search.
I need your help.
Get back to me.
What are you talking about?
Tell me what I need to hear.
I'll see what I can do.
You're lying.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know if I can do that.
This doesn't make sense.
I need you to patch me through on a discreet channel.
I'll get back to you.
That's not protocol.
There's some new intel.
What's happening?
I understand.
Copy that.
Trust me.
These often-used phrases are only obvious if you watch Series 1-5 consecutively over a period of a week or two. You'll also find your kidneys are stronger than you ever thought possible.
My favorite of his dialogue, said as he questioned a hostile, is "The only reason you're conscious is that I don't want to carry you."
After Season 2, I didn't care what Jack Bauer said, how many times he said it, or if he spoke at all. I was so into the compelling characters, impossible real time situations shown on split screen, and the spoilers, that I didn't recognize my own living room when I took the time to look away from the television. Talk about escaping!
A full-length feature is being planned for "24," though it won't be possible to play the real time angle; it will have to be condensed into two hours. No date has been set so we'll have to wait for the movie.
As long as the writers keep coming up with those spoilers, the waiting time for the movie will be brilliantly filled.
If "24" earns the 12 Emmys it's nominated for, the writers' drinks are on me. Yours, too, Jack.
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